“Let her cry it out!”
I have heard this phrase on a daily basis since I gave birth to my daughter. I have been given many, many reasons why crying it out is the best way to go. Even as recently as yesterday a few women in their seventies were advising me to let my daughter “Cry it out” because in their words: “It’s good for her lung development.” These women in question have obviously never heard my daughter shrieking right before bed time (the only time she is ever anything but smiley and happy). Let’s just say, my serene, little Kewpie doll could put a banshee to shame. There is absolutely nothing wrong with this child’s lungs.
Granted, past the initial night or two of awfulness I’m sure my daughter would learn not to count on Mommy to save her when she gets lonely, scared or hungry. Honestly, though, that’s not exactly a lesson I want my child to learn.
David and I didn’t exactly set out to be “attachment parents” but whether we planned to be or not, that’s what we are. We followed our instincts and hashed out a parenting style that is a combination of attachment parenting techniques, other child development theories and what we learned from our parents.
Doctor Spock (not Mr. Spock...because I’d totally be down with raising my kids according to Star Trek. “Go play in the holodeck, Serenity, and make sure the safety protocols are enabled.”) advocated the idea that a child needs to cry it out. He even said that it was okay to wait a full hour to feed a hungry, crying child because it wouldn’t kill them. No, it will not kill a child to wait on a feeding… but if all the parent is doing is watching a movie in the other room or playing a video game…that is just bad parenting in my book. Not to mention, the son of Doctor Cry It Out committed suicide as an adult.
Crying uncomforted does considerable damage to a developing child’s brain due to the extended exposure to the cortisol released. New studies using brain scans have shown that controlled crying not only damages babies' brains but produces angry, anxious adults.
Professor Margot Sunderland, a leading expert in the development of children's brains and a British Medical Association award-winning author said: “If you ignore a crying child, tell them to shut up or put them in a room on their own, you can cause serious damage to their brains on a level that can result in severe neurosis and emotional disorders later in life.”
Most of the people who advise me to let her cry it out are extremely well-meaning and really have the best interest of my child at heart. They advocate this theory because it was told to them and it made their lives easier…at least when their kids were little. The resulting emotional damage in their adult children is not quite as easy to deal with…
I don’t know a single parent who willfully sets out to harm their child. However, parenting practices change as we see the result of each generation, or so many kids get hurt that immediate change is necessary. While a badly designed crib or high chair can easily be determined as harmful to a child, parenting theories that become common practice for decades upon decades aren’t quite as easy to fight.
No one would advise a person to damage their child’s brain if they realized what they were really saying. But previous generations also allowed babies to ride in cars without car seats and gave babies aspirin. Times change and with it the common practice of raising children.
If my baby cries, I’m going to her. She may cry directly in my ear, I may go deaf…but my child will know without a shadow of a doubt that she is safe and loved. Once she’s old enough to learn to control her emotions I will adapt and so will she.
http://theattachedfamily.com/membersonly/?p=1557
http://www.attachmentparenting.org/parentingtopics/calmingyourbaby.php
http://www.nytimes.com/books/98/05/17/specials/spock-father.html
Well as you know there are all kinds of cries. Some are ignorable and others are deplorable and some must be tended to at once. It helps when you realize they have no other way of communicating most of their needs.
ReplyDeleteWe let Zaya "cry it out" a couple times when he was a baby, because we thought that's the way it's supposed to be. He would eventually throw up. We couldn't deal with that, and I'm glad we didn't because we later learned that it was his early signs of asthma attacks when that would happen. I felt awful when I figured that out!
ReplyDeleteAt what age will she be old enough to learn to control her emotions? I know many adults who don't seem to be able to, and at times I number myself among them. It is always good as parents to be able to differentiate between what is a healthy spirit as opposed to a strong will.
ReplyDeleteA child's brain at birth is only 25% of its adult size. 90% of the child's brain growth occurs in the first five years of life. There is a big difference in a one month old that cries because her socks are itching her big toe and she doesn't know how to let you know and a four year old who throws a tantrum because he wants a fourth cookie and you won't let him. Any parent worth their salt can tell the difference. You teach the child what they are capable of learning at any given point and each moment of contention can ultimately become a learning experience.
ReplyDeleteA sweet lady at church once said "I felt like if I taught my kids that I'd always be there for them, then it would be easier for them to believe in a loving God, Who would always be there for them."
ReplyDeleteYou are doing an amazing job of hearing all the well-meaning advice and then making your own decisions!
I don't know the link but I've read some sound research that shows that when babies are responded to instead of left to cry, they develop different cries at a younger age. They will have cries that you can wait to respond to (if you need to), and cries that you must drop everything to fix. They then learn to speak at a younger age (of course this is ON AVERAGE and does not mean that every baby left to cry will speak later than any baby responded to). We can summarize by saying that babies who are responded to, learn to communicate sooner. SO worth it for us parents!